I was listening to a J. Cole song this morning called “Love Yourz” and there is a line in it that I really needed to hear today:
Today nothing feels more true than this statement. It is not to say that I feel this way and I don’t love my life, I absolutely do. I am so beyond grateful for the amazing fiancée, fur son, friends that I call family and family that I have. These relationships in my life make me feel rich, even though most days I feel financially behind.
I love being who I am, I love my journey that I have taken to get here, I love that I am a part of the LGBTQ community in such an exciting and life-changing era. For the most part I love everything about myself and my life. However, there is always a voice in the back of my head, Mr. Self Doubt. He has been coming out a lot lately, and if you have read my recent blogs, you will have noticed that. I have been listening to Mr. Self Doubt, and I have been letting him stop me from following my true dreams. I have let myself go to a dark place where I will always be stuck in the same rut. Giving me the feeling that others around me are meant to fulfill the dreams they are chasing, and I will always be on the sidelines.
Hearing this quote from J.Cole this morning reminded me that I have been given a gift, the gift of life, and the gift to chase the endless possibilities of dreams and hopes in order to make a difference in this world. I need to stop listening to Mr. Self Doubt, I need to listen to those around me that support me and are cheering me on, I need to recognize that I can make real change, and I need to really practice what I preach. I wouldn’t change the opportunity I have for anything in the world and I know that the real reason I am avoiding what I truly want to be doing is because I am so damn scared. I am scared of exposing myself too much, I am afraid that no one will care, I am afraid the work I am doing will fall on deaf ears.
That being said, I gave myself a deadline this part March, I told myself, friends, family, fellow Ruckusmakers, Seth Godin himself, that I would complete a rough draft of a book by my 27th birthday which is rapidly approaching. I would say that I am maybe 80% of the way there, have almost finished all of the wording, but need to go back and really go through it. I find myself avoiding over and over again, I even find myself thinking about how I can write about how I failed to meet the deadline. That’s right, I have already put the idea in my head that I will fail which means I have already defeated myself mentally.
After listening to J.Cole this morning, I realized that I need to stop wasting my time, stop wasting my life, because there is no other life that is better than mine. I will only stay on the sidelines if I choose not to jump in the game, not to take a risk on myself, not to create real art and change in this world.
Here’s to listening to the signs of the universe, here’s to remembering why I was so passionate to write my book in the first place, and here’s to not letting myself fail before I even get started.